Why Do Children Lie?
Each of us as a responsible parent makes an effort every day to teach our child the highest human values. Love, compassion, honesty and respect are just some of the moral standards we teach our children. And when we almost start to believe that we have succeeded, one day we find out that the child is lying to us. The first time we don’t pay attention – “Did you brush your teeth?” – we ask, and after a firm positive answer – “Yes!” – we surprisingly find that the brush is dry, and the paste is still where we left it the last time. Then we tell ourselves that the child must have lost his way or we excuse him for forgetting, and in the end we calm down that it is not a big deal. Until one day he did it again. And then again – that he doesn’t have homework for tomorrow, that his little brother is to blame for the marker scrawled on the wall, that he eats the fruit we put in his lunch, that he doesn’t know who broke his sister’s favorite thing, and so on until he moves on to the next one level where he categorically states that he did not insult his classmate while they were playing football and in no way did he hit anyone for taking his pen without asking. But why, in fact, does the child lie to us?
Our child lies because he wants to avoid the consequences.
The first and most important condition is that children feel safe when they tell us the truth. So we have to provide them with a calm and safe environment – ‘You know, I really want to know what happened. Are you going to tell me what really happened, or are you going to tell me the fictional story?” or “Tell me exactly what happened. I’m sure there’s an explanation for all of this!”. This leaves the child feeling safe and secure and the child is much more likely to tell the truth.
The child lies to us because he wants to protect us from being disappointed and sad when we find out what he did or didn’t do.
This usually happens when we use phrases like, “What, again?” or “How could I ever trust you again?”, “I’m extremely disappointed in you,” “I never thought you could do this.” We can go on and on about the importance of trust, but trust is something we must first demonstrate and then expect from our children. Reactions like, “You probably have your reason for hiding the truth, but I’d like you to trust me,” or “I’d like you to share why you need to lie?”, are much more appropriate for building mutual trust.
The child lies to us because he is exploring his and our limits
Between the ages of 3 and 5, children begin to more consciously explore the world, experiment and show creativity. They become increasingly aware of the behavior and emotions of others and become increasingly excited about the question “What if…” Curiosity and ingenuity are a normal part of a child’s psycho-social development.
Our child lies because he needs attention
Every child’s behavior reflects some inner need. If it needs to be noticed, then it can resort to actions that aim to attract attention, often inappropriately. This behavior is characteristic of the child who says that he was hit on the playground by another child or that he was insulted by the teacher, because he knows that this way mom and dad will sympathize with him, and maybe buy him ice cream, extra time on the computer or they’ll let him play on the playground late. This appears to be a strong incentive for the child to resort to distorting the truth. Appropriate questions in these situations are: “I would like to know what you need?”, “Can I do something for you”, “You know you can tell me anything.”
The biggest mistake we parents can make is to set a “trap” for the child to catch him in a lie. This happens when we ask the child something that we already know. For example: “How was school today?”, “Think again!” or “Do you have something to tell me?”.
In such a situation, the child clearly understands that he has messed up and the first strategy he takes is to try to hide the truth. Thus we demonstrate that we are not interested in the truth, only in catching the child in a lie.
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